I initiated this blogging break to get some rest and some perspective. Rest I’ve gotten plenty of. Perspective? It’s coming. But it is frustrating me in its slowness.
This week the things I have been reading are converging into a singular topic, and I am so glad. Things are starting to make sense. However, as things become more in focus, I can feel that old, familiar panic rising up in me again.
Several years ago, when I first started teaching preschool, I gave up all my online ministry involvement so I could focus all my energy on my new calling. At least, in part that’s why I did it. The truth is, and it took me four years to admit this, I also left off writing because I was afraid.
I didn’t feel like I belonged. I didn’t feel like I measured up. I felt inadequate and like a fraud and so I shut down my computer and tried not to look back.
Regrets? Um, yeah.
So now, as God begins to lead me down this path again (at least, I think that’s what He is doing), I am tempted to hightail it out of here. It just occurred to me that another reason for this blogging break has been also been fear.
Fear of getting in His way. Fear of taking over and making this all about me.
I am acutely aware that I have a tendency to do these things, no matter what it is I am doing. I struggle with wanting all the glory and all the attention and all the applause for myself, even though really truly deep down I want to see that go to Him. The One who equips me and enables me and puts me here in the first place.
It fills me with such awe that He would take a risk like that. That knowing my self-centeredness and my fear He would still ask me to serve Him.
So I am going to work really hard to obey Him. Even though it scares me. Even though some days it is the very last thing I want to do.
Instead of running away, I’m going to just run.