Wednesday, July 23, 2014

On fear and getting out of His way


I initiated this blogging break to get some rest and some perspective. Rest I've gotten plenty of. Perspective? It's coming. But it is frustrating me in its slowness.

This week the things I have been reading are converging into a singular topic, and I am so glad. Things are starting to make sense. However, as things become more in focus, I can feel that old, familiar panic rising up in me again.

Several years ago, when I first started teaching preschool, I gave up all my online ministry involvement so I could focus all my energy on my new calling. At least, in part that's why I did it. The truth is, and it took me four years to admit this, I also left off writing because I was afraid.

I didn't feel like I belonged. I didn't feel like I measured up. I felt inadequate and like a fraud and so I shut down my computer and tried not to look back.

Regrets? Um, yeah.

So now, as God begins to lead me down this path again (at least, I think that's what He is doing), I am tempted to hightail it out of here. It just occurred to me that another reason for this blogging break has been also been fear.

Fear of getting in His way. Fear of taking over and making this all about me.

I am acutely aware that I have a tendency to do these things, no matter what it is I am doing. I struggle with wanting all the glory and all the attention and all the applause for myself, even though really truly deep down I want to see that go to Him. The One who equips me and enables me and puts me here in the first place.

It fills me with such awe that He would take a risk like that. That knowing my self-centeredness and my fear He would still ask me to serve Him.


So I am going to work really hard to obey Him. Even though it scares me. Even though some days it is the very last thing I want to do.

Instead of running away, I'm going to just run.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

This ministry of motherhood

You want to know something funny?

As I was typing the title for this post, my only-have-had-one-cup-of-coffee fingers kept typing "mothergood" instead of motherhood.

And there's the whole point of this post.

I'm breaking my break for a moment because I feel like I have finally stumbled upon something good. This morning as I was praying and feeling sorry for myself over my lack of purpose (or, rather, my feeling of a lack of purpose), I finally got it. Back in January I shared that once summer holidays hit, I would officially be finished babysitting and that I felt God was calling me to not work for this next season. Back in January, I was really excited about that.

In June, when the repairs around the house started mounting up, I felt a lot less excited about that.

Not only my lack of excitement, but my need for doing something big in my own eyes for God, has led me to this place of discontentment. But this morning, He redirected my focus.

This morning as I was pleading with Him to clarify my calling, He clarified it by reminding me what He has already called me to.

Motherhood.


This world will have us believe, lovelies, that this is not enough. That its not enough to raise our kids to His glory, to be content building a home. That we must also pursue bigger and better things, otherwise we lose who we are.

It is in this pursuit of bigger and better that I have lost who I am.

So I am on a mission. I am driven to get out of this place of reluctantly accepting my calling of motherhood and instead find joy and passion in it. I am driven to find out how I can serve our God and my family authentically, without trying to become someone I think I should be. Because let's face it. How many times do we resolve to be "better" moms, only to try to live up to someone else's definition of what that is?

This is for Him. All for Him. Because there is a reason and purpose for Him calling me to this ministry and it is high time I started to view it as just that.

I want to mother good.

Friday, July 4, 2014

In case you missed it


I’m a girl who does not like change.

I like the things in my life to remain the same, predictable. I like my coffee in the same mug at the same time every morning. I like the same thing for breakfast every day, and I wear the same ratty old sweater around the house because it’s comfy. And familiar.

These past two years have brought about so much change in my life. Some very, very good, most not. Relationships, careers, new babies (well, just one baby!).  I thought I had been handling it well, until recently. I started to realize I wasn’t happy; I wished life was different. “If only _____ hadn’t of happened,” or “if only I could do both” replayed itself in my mind over and over again.

I was becoming bitter from the hurt my heart had experienced from so much turmoil. And I didn’t like who I was seeing in the mirror.

******

I had the wonderful privilege of being a guest contributor over at (in)courage this past week. I am excited and humbled and would love it if you popped over there to read the rest of this post!